Vulcan’s Peak

I forget who I stole this from…

May 16, 2004 2:52 pm

…but I think it was someone’s AIM profile.  Poke me if I stole it from you.   Seriously, if you’ve read any of these, this is hilarious!

A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
     by Charles Dickens
A lawyer who looks like a French nobleman is executed in his place.

The Metamorphosis LITE(tm)
     by Franz Kafka
A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed.

Lord of the Rings LITE(tm)
     by J.R.R. Tolkien
Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano.

Hamlet LITE(tm)
     by William Shakespeare
A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy girl-friend and a mother who won’t act her age.

Take that, Cliff’s Notes!

31 Responses to “I forget who I stole this from…”

Pug wrote a comment on May 16, 2004

“It wasn’t the best of times; it wasn’t the worst of times; it was the times you’d get if you arranged all possible times (including even fictional times in which the nights were usually dark and stormy) in order from worst to best on the real number line from 0.0 inclusive to 1.0 inclusive and then used a really good random uniform number generator to pick a value in that range thus choosing the corresponding times – that’s the times it was.”
– Dale Dellutri’s A Tale of Two Statisticians

Pug wrote a comment on May 16, 2004

I am brought back to mind of the abbreviated Fellowship of the Ring…

http://www.people.fas.harvard.edu/~katcher/fellowshipsatire.htm

Remember:

GLORFINDEL: Well, it’s just about time for me to go save Frodo.

Suddenly, a SHOVEL thwacks GLORFINDEL across the back of his head. ARWEN is shown holding the SHOVEL.

ARWEN: Sorry, Glory. This movie is sorely lacking female participants, so you’re out and I’m in..

ARWEN unceremoniously dumps his body in a ditch somewhere with that of TOM BOMBADIL.

😉

Odette wrote a comment on May 16, 2004

Teehee! The first is quite a groaner and the second is hilarious!

(By the way, Pug, I made your url a link.   😉  )

And for something completely different:

Q:How do you play religious roulette?
A:You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck by lightning first.

Pug wrote a comment on May 16, 2004

An aside: You know, when I first read that parody I didn’t understand fully who Glorfindel was. Now the idea of Arwen thwacking him with a shovel and tossing him in a ditch is all the more funny!

[For note, he’s a Lord of the Elves who created a much-needed diversion during the fall of Gondolin by engaging a Balrog lord in single combat. The battle was fierce and long enough to secure the escape of Eärendil (who sucessfully enlisted the Valar to aid Elves and Men in the war against Morgoth. He now sails the night sky and the Silmaril on his brow is the light of the most beloved star of Elves). Glorfindel was slain by the Balrog and his body consumed by its fire. He was later reincarnated and returned to Middle-earth to continue to lead his people. Arwen twacking him is side-splitting hilarious…]

(KT: Thanks for the linkage 😉 )

Tae wrote a comment on May 16, 2004

I’m sorry but the “Metamorphosis” one is dead on the money. That’s ALL that stupid book is about.
Excuse me, novella.
*GAK!*

Carmen wrote a comment on May 16, 2004

Heh, Katie, your post reminds me of a couple sites I’ve stumbled across.

One was: What if LotR had been written by other authors? http://www.teemings.com/extras/lotr/index.html Some suck, but some are pretty funny. =D

I’m trying to remember the other. If I find it, I’ll post.

Carmen wrote a comment on May 16, 2004

There we go! Ultra-condensed versions of popular novels!

http://rinkworks.com/bookaminute/sff.shtml

*points at URLs* Would you linkify those, too, bitte? ^_^ Thanks!

Odette wrote a comment on May 16, 2004

Tae – I COMPLETELY agree!! “The Bug” is very high on my list of least favorite books, EVER!!!!

Carmen – there ya go! Thanks for the sites, these are funny!  😀

Carmen wrote a comment on May 17, 2004

Welcome!

Hey, Metamorphasis wasn’t that bad. It was much, much better than The Stranger. Ugh. Gregor at least had some humor value. I thought it was funny that he got buggified. =D

Odette wrote a comment on May 17, 2004

But he was vermin!! Ewww, cockroaches!!!

You have DO a point about The Stranger…whats-his-face was a jerk. Will never understand what his girlfriend (Marie? Aren’t all French girls named Marie?) saw in him…..

Jen wrote a comment on May 17, 2004

I haven’t read Metamorphasis (though Katie did a pretty good job acting it out for me today…), but The Stranger was absolutely AWFUL. And worse than the book itself was how my teacher somehow managed to connect everything we read back to the bloody thing.

Pug wrote a comment on May 17, 2004

You’re all so cruel! Remember that his Maman died today. Or maybe it was yesterday. It doesn’t really matter.

I’m really quite disappointed that I didn’t get to see Katie act out The Metamorphosis.

For note, I really enjoyed The Metamorphosis. Really, I did. Each time I read it I spent most of the novella laughing at Gregor and mocking him… It’s fun being cruel. >=O)

Jen wrote a comment on May 17, 2004

Sorry you missed it, JC. Katie imitates a dead cockroach frighteningly well – facial expression and all. =0)

Pug wrote a comment on May 18, 2004

Just FYI, he *wasn’t* a roach. He had to have been a species of beetle.

Jen wrote a comment on May 18, 2004

*shrugs* Like I said, I never read it – all I know I got from Katie’s one-woman show…

Tae wrote a comment on May 18, 2004

A bug’s a bug’s a bug. And the best bug is a dead one. Especially when killed by a rotting apple.

Carmen wrote a comment on May 18, 2004

But I *like* bugs! =( And beetles are cute. A ladybug is a beetle, too. =D

…spiders are the only creatures that qualify as vermin. Filthy, creepy spawn of Ungoliant. Grr.

Odette wrote a comment on May 18, 2004

I dunno, I really think that cockroaches count as vermin, too. Speaking of which, oh Pugly one, the man turns into a vermin, and I can give you the original German if you so desire. It’s sitting right here. So there.

(And whatever he was, I was doing a cockroach.  😛  )

Pug wrote a comment on May 18, 2004

Odette: Sure, roaches count as vermin. But Gregor’s also clearly called a Mistkäfer, and I already have the original German. 🙂

Since I’m lazy and don’t want to defend my viewpoint which I first read about in Nabokov’s notes on The Metamorphosis, I am instead going to quote the relevant section in full here:

“Next question: what insect? Commentators say cockroach, which of course does not make sense. A cockroach is an insect that is flat in shape with large legs, and Gregor is anything but flat: he is convex on both sides, belly and back, and his legs are small. He approaches a cockroach in only one respect: his coloration is brown. That is all. Apart from this he has a tremendous convex belly divided into segments and a hard rounded back suggestive of wing cases. In beetles these cases conceal flimsy little wings that can be expanded and then may carry the beetle for miles and miles in a blundering flight. Curiously enough, Gregor the beetle never found out that he had wings under the hard covering of his back. (This is a very nice observation on my part to be treasured all your lives. Some Gregors, some Joes and Janes, do not know that they have wings.) Further, he has strong mandibles. He uses these organs to turn the key in a lock while standing erect on his hind legs, on his third pair of legs (a strong little pair), and this gives us the length of his body, which is about three feet long. In the course of the story he gets gradually accustomed to using his new appendages—his feet, his feelers. This brown, convex, dog-sized beetle is very broad. I should imagine him to look like this:

http://www.kafka.org/verw_issue/megabeetle.jpg

Is there still doubt that he is other than a beetle?

Odette wrote a comment on May 18, 2004

But if he were a beetle, he might be cute, and that would just ruin everything as far as I’m concerned. I might have to take the book off my list of hated literature, heaven forbid!

Signed, She Who Is Being Deliberately Stubborn in the Face of Altogether TOO Much Evidence From Someone Who Thought About This Book More Than I Ever Want to Ever Again.  *mischevious grin*

Crunch wrote a comment on May 18, 2004

He could be a beetle and be un-cute. THe only beetle assured to be cute is George.

Pug wrote a comment on May 18, 2004

George is cute because of his eye lasers.

*Cuddles George*

Carmen wrote a comment on May 18, 2004

Hey, I want to have eye lasers!

Pug wrote a comment on May 18, 2004

Frylock shoots lasers from his eyes.

Figures that french fries would have eye lasers before we Pug, eh?

Carmen wrote a comment on May 18, 2004

Y’know, when I was little, I used to pretend that I had heat vision. I’d squint at people I didn’t like, and pretend they were going up in flames.

Such a happy, carefree child I was.

Pug wrote a comment on May 18, 2004

When I was in middle school I used to pretend that I had ultimate power over all matter, that I could force all the molecules in someone’s body to suddenly lose all their bondings. I used to pretend that I could call down a comet to pulverize a group of annoying people while maintaining an impenetrable wall of “air” between the blast zone and what would have been collateral damage.

Of course, being able to control plasma into a “lightsaber” blade was a fun thing to think about, too. 🙂

Carmen wrote a comment on May 18, 2004

I used to dream – quite often – that I could “thicken” air enough to stand a distance off the ground, and walk around in midair. Of course I tried to do it once I woke up. I was convinced if I walked off the edge of the couch often enough, or hopped off the top bunk of the bed my sister and I shared I’d figure out how to stay suspended in the air.

Tae wrote a comment on May 19, 2004

Hmm. Was I the only one who didn’t wish painful, though creative, torturous deaths on people?

Carmen wrote a comment on May 19, 2004

Probably. I used to pretend I could teleport people I didn’t like into the middle of solid stone.

Odette wrote a comment on May 19, 2004

Tae- no, you’re not alone…I just glared at people I didn’t like. In middle school I picked up the not-so-subtle art of eye-rolling… Ahhh, if looks could kill.

Crunch wrote a comment on May 20, 2004

I never dreamed about killing people. I had lots of dreams of killing monsters and monsters killing me. The closest I ever got to humans were zombies.

Care to comment?